


Of All The Reasons Why

by redtrouble



Category: To The Edge of the Sky (Visual Novel)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:55:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23322046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redtrouble/pseuds/redtrouble
Summary: Evren is contacted by PHASe with an offer to join their organization. She struggles to decide whether or not to accept their offer.
Kudos: 3





	Of All The Reasons Why

I lay on my cot and stared at the purple ARO glasses P.H.A.N.T.A.S.M. had sent me, turning them over in my hands. Three weeks ago, I had encountered three PHASe operatives outside the Atlas biodome where they helped me navigate a hostile situation with the locals and, afterward, I helped them find an old, abandoned church in the wastelands. It had been an odd but exciting experience, and one I remembered with fondness. They had been city-dwellers, after all, but they had been kind to me, a drifter. I would never see them again, but I would never forget them.

Or so I thought…

Nine’s words to me that day echoed in my head.

_“You should be on the lookout for a special message, soon.”_

_Huh? I blinked in surprise. “A message…from PHASe?” I asked, confused. Nine just smiled and Four snorted._

_“Lucky you,” he said, eyeing me thoughtfully. “I wonder if you’ll make it.”_

I hadn’t known what he really meant—if he was even serious. My first reaction was disbelief. _Yeah, right,_ I’d thought as I returned to my clan. What could PHASe possibly want with _me_? And as I recounted the tale to Esha, I was amused. What made him think I _wanted_ anything to do with PHASe? And later that night, when I was lying in bed, I was annoyed. Did he think all drifters were just sitting around waiting for the city-dwellers to notice them? The arrogance! But by the time I’d woken up, I had felt stupid for being angry. Nine had been kind and wise… His words had been meant in the best possible way. But then I was back to disbelief, because I just couldn’t fathom why PHASe would be interested in me at all.

Days rolled into weeks, and life went on as normal. Aside from fielding the occasional question from fellow drifters about the encounter, there was no more mention of biodomes or the city-dwellers. Three weeks passed uneventfully and I had stopped thinking about the PHASe operatives altogether. Mostly… They _had_ been the three most attractive men I had ever met in my entire life. It was hard to forget them entirely…

Until four days ago when a drone appeared over our camp. It circled for five hours and disappeared. The next day, a package was delivered right to my family’s tent. Inside the biodegradable box was a pair of high-tech glasses with the word ARO etched in the stem and a tiny print-locked datacard.

I blew out a breath that rustled the hair around my face, still staring at the ARO glasses. It had really shocked me seeing that datacard encrypted to my thumbprint. Scared me, even. How in the world did—? But then I remembered Nine’s farewell.

_I held out my hand to Nine, perhaps a little shyly._

_“You were really impressive back there,” I told him. “You’re a really smart guy, huh?”_

_Nine smiled and wrapped his gloved hand around mine. “Some people say that,” he replied._

_I opened my mouth to respond but my hand in his derailed my thoughts. Was it my imagination or was the glove…warm? Unnaturally warm. Almost hot. And his grip was so firm, it was almost possessive. Or maybe I was just nervous with a super attractive guy holding my hand and my eyes in such an attentive manner._

_“It was…an honor to mee you,” I blurted before things became too awkward._

_“Likewise,” he said, his smile widening. “Hopefully, we’ll meet again soon.”_

_When he released my hand, it was not my imagination that my fingertips felt hot._

It was clear to me now exactly what had happened. His gloves had some fancy tech wired into them and he had printed me when we shook hands. They had used that print to lock the datacard. I dropped the ARO glasses onto my stomach and picked up the datacard tucked next to my hip. I pressed my thumb against the designated scanner in the corner and the unassuming plastic screen came to life.

“Hello, Evren.” A woman with an angular face and jet-black hair with bangs sliced in a stark line across her forehead appeared on the screen. “My name is Doctor Keiria Park. As you have no doubt already deduced, I work for PHASe. Recently, you encountered and assisted three of our operatives, one of which informed you to expect a missive from our organization.” She spoke in a very firm, clinical way. It wasn’t cruel but it wasn’t friendly either. “The data collected during your scrimmage was analyzed and several key aptitudes were flagged as above average. Consider this your formal invitation for evaluation for admittance into our operative program.”

I had listened to this message a dozen times by now, but that sentence still didn’t feel real to me.

“If you wish to join the program, you will report to PHASe headquarters in Olympia City immediately and submit yourself for a comprehensive assessment,” she continued. “I’m sure you have many questions. Included with this message is a pair of ARO, augmented reality ocularis. These computerized lenses are connected to the PHASe network and have been granted limited access to our database that should answer any questions you may have concerning P.H.A.N.T.A.S.M. and our many programs.” She forced a brief smile that didn’t remotely reach her eyes. “We understand the gravity of the choice you must make and will allow you two weeks to consider your decision. If we do not hear from you in the allotted time, your ARO will be disconnected from our servers. If, however, you choose to join us, you will be provided additional instructions via your ARO.”

For a moment, Dr. Park just blinked at the screen and I thought the message was over. But then, she went on.

“You are being granted a unique opportunity, Evren. Think carefully.”

And then her image winked out and a clock appeared, ticking down the time I had left to make a decision. I sighed and dropped the datacard on my cot. 10 days, 16 hours, 43 minutes and counting. I had a decision to make… But was I even interested in PHASe? I had spent hours searching the PHASe database with the ARO glasses, trying to learn as much information as I could. I felt just as oblivious as I had three weeks ago. P.H.A.N.T.A.S.M. was a master at talking a lot without actually saying anything. Then again, they were a government organization, so it’s not like I was surprised…

All I really knew about PHASe was what I had learned observing the three operatives I had met. Skilled and efficient—but that was expected. What had surprised me was their kindness and empathy. Well, on the part of Nine and Zero. Four was…another matter entirely. He had been as cold and terrifying as I had imagined an agent of PHASe would be, and yet there was something else… _Something mysterious._ I nearly grimaced at the cliché, but as cheesy as it sounded, it was true.

_I looked at Four to say my goodbyes, but when his eyes met mine, I found the words died in my throat. We just stared at one another for a long moment. Probably too long to be normal, but his gaze was so intense that I could barely grasp the awkwardness of it._

_With some reluctance, I held out my hand to him. He looked at it as though it were a foreign gesture and his hands remained stuffed into his leather jacket pockets._

_“You were really cool back there,” I said lamely. His eyes lifted back to mine and I felt myself shrinking on the inside. I shrugged one shoulder. “A bit scary,” I admitted, “but cool. I’m not sure if we’ll see each other again, but…”_

_I let the sentence hang just like my hand, still outstretched and waiting to be clutched. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt compelled. There was something about him, some kind of gravity that made me feel caught in his orbit. It was this something that kept my hand extended, that kept my eyes locked onto his, that prompted me to speak._

_Suddenly Four smirked and I stopped breathing._

_“I’ll shake your hand if I see you again,” he said. “We’ll see what happens.”_

_I lowered my hand as he turned and walked away, and I found my only response was to nod._

I stared at my empty hands and wondered what he would say if we did meet again, what it would be like to shake his hand. _Probably like any other handshake._ But would he be surprised? I tried to imagine the look on his face but all I could conjure up was his incredible poker face. I had to laugh at myself for even trying. _Not a good reason for joining, PHASe, Evren,_ I playfully reminded myself. _Just to try to get a reaction out of someone…_

My smile faded as my eyes landed on the ARO glistening up at me. A good reason… What would be a good reason? Did one even exist? My father didn’t seem to think so.

_The news that I had been contacted by P.H.A.N.T.A.S.M. had spread through our camp like wildfire. The moment my father came through the tent flaps, I saw his face was already wrinkled with worry. He grimaced when he saw the ARO I was holding._

_“What have you done, Evren?” he asked me, as though I had already signed a contract._

_“Nothing—”_

_“What is this?” He came toward me, desperation in his voice. “You’re not thinking of leaving, are you?”_

_“Aba—”_

_“Tell me you aren’t leaving.” He took my hands in his. “You can’t leave, kizim.”_

_“That is her choice,” Esha said, rising from her place on the chaise. My father whirled around in surprise._

_“She is chosen!” he exclaimed in bewilderment. “Sh-she has a responsibility to the clan! How can you, of all of us, support this?”_

_“It is her choice, Markus,” Esha reiterated, “and we must let her make it. We must celebrate it.”_

_He looked from Esha to me, fear in his big, dark eyes. Then he shook his head and walked out._

My father had not spoken to me since. I knew why… He was afraid of my answer. Ever since Nish left, he has held on tighter and tighter.

“Nish,” I whispered.

My brother, my twin. We were born just minutes apart, but we were so different in every respect. I was the adventurous one, always the first to explore, to test limits. I had enjoyed the training was content with the future laid out before me: Seer for the clan. But not Nish… He had followed me, always followed me, but he was always cautious, despised taking unnecessary risks. He had chafed under that chosen course. And yet we had been as thick as thieves.

I missed him so much. It had been years since I saw him last. Since he left… I regretted everything about that night and all the things I said.

“I wish you were here, Nish,” I murmured, glancing at the picture of us I kept by my cot. “I could really use your advice…”

But I knew what he would say if he was here. He would tell me to go to PHASe, to chase this opportunity with all of my strength. But was that what _I_ wanted? I bit my lip and picked up the ARO glasses, staring into the lenses as though they held the answers to my questions.

If I joined PHASe…would I be able to find Nish someday? Was that really a good reason to leave the clan? Or was it selfish?

There was rustling in the next room and I stilled, waiting for my guest to announce themselves.

“May I come in?” a smoky voice said. I tilted my head all the way back to see Esha’s face poking through the drapes closed around my room. I smiled and nodded. She slipped inside and sat down on a collection of pillows near my cot. “How are you doing?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know what to do, Esha…”

Esha smiled. “But you do.”

My eyes widened as I met her gaze.

“The fact that you are deliberating three days later says as much,” she continued. “But you keep asking yourself ‘why?’, keep looking for a reason because you think you need one to justify your choice.”

“I…” It never ceased to amaze me how perceptive Esha was. I looked down at my hands, feeling childish.

“There so many reasons, eshgham. To find your brother. To build a bridge of understanding between the city-dwellers and the clans. To become stronger. To experience the luxury of the biodomes—the clean air, the clean water, the variety of foods, the myriad cultures. To see a handsome boy again…”

My gaze snapped to hers. I had told her how attractive the PHASe operatives were primarily because I believed I would never see them again. She couldn’t really think such a trivial reason would be enough to motivate my departure! But when I looked at her, Esha was grinning mischievously. I narrowed my eyes, blushing despite myself.

“Esha,” I complained half-heartedly, trying to hide my smile. She chuckled, a raspy and warm sound.

“Let me tell you a secret, eshgham. It is pointless to collect reasons and weigh their significance. Each one has its part to play. ‘Why’ doesn’t matter. Instead, you should consider all of the ways this choice might change you.” Her smiled faded. “Because it will, eshgham. Our choices always do. Sometimes in small ways, and sometimes completely.”

I frowned. “But how can I know the answer?”

“You cannot. You can only guess at all the possible answers, and many will elude you, in the end.”

I took a deep breath. “So, instead, I should ask…if can live with that change?”

“That is a trick question,” Esha said. “The answer is ‘yes’. You can always live with whatever happens. It may be painful. It may be devastating… But you can survive it. That is how we humans are.”

I studied Esha’s warm, brown eyes, gaze bouncing from the left to the right as I tried to discern the meaning of her words, the truth she was trying to help me grasp.

“Ask yourself not if you can live with the change, but rather will you want to,” she murmured.

“Want to…?”

“Which would you regret more? The version of yourself who changed into something you despised? Or the version that did not change at all?”

“I…”

“If you were entirely happy with who you are, if you felt complete…you would never have listened to that message, eshgham.”

I pressed my lips together as emotion welled in my throat. Suddenly, it all seemed so clear. And the truth made me want to weep.

“If someone were to look at you, they would see a beautiful sculpture, already, but it seems you must break off even more pieces before you are satisfied with the result. As the saying goes, diamonds only form under pressure…” She leaned forward and took my hand. “And you must cut diamond with kind.”

I smiled and grasped her hand tightly with both of mine. “Aba won’t like it.”

“ _I_ don’t like it,” Esha exclaimed, “but I would rather lose you for a while than to watch you lose yourself forever. You have always been true to yourself, Evren. You must remain so.” Esha squeezed my hands. “Your father is afraid to lose you like he lost Nish, but he trusts you. He believes in you. He will send you off with love.”

I smiled, my lips quivering as I tried to hold in the emotion threatening to burst out of me. Esha moved to sit on the cot and scooped me up in her arms. She hugged my head to her shoulder and I held her tightly.

“Thank you, Esha,” I murmured against her neck. She hummed thoughtfully, gently swaying us side to side.

“Remember, eshgham,” she said seriously, “that, when you are ready, you can always come home. Always.”

I nodded and squeezed her tight.

That night, I told my father that I was leaving to join PHASe. He hugged me, told me he loved me, and asked me what I needed to make the journey to Olympia. I cried for hours. Two days later, I stopped at the edges of our camp in the Soza Valley. I said goodbye to our Elders first, then to my father, the little ones, and finally the whole clan. Esha wrapped a newly knitted scarf around my head. It was purple like the night sky and patterned with stars and constellations.

“Hamde yafti besht,” she said, her voice rising above the valley, “hamdeul yafti Mwo.”

It was the language of the nomads—a mishmash of languages—and a popular drifter proverb. It meant, “Go where you must and return to where you belong.” But the word used for “belong” was Mwo, which meant “home”, because in nomad…the concept of belonging was the same as being home.

I smiled and nodded. “I will,” I whispered, and then I turned to face the wastelands and placed the ARO over my eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Aba is Hebrew for "father"  
> Kizim is Turkish for "my daughter"  
> Eshgham is Farsi for "my love" (can be both romantic and not)
> 
> The rest of the language, I just made up. As the drifters seem to be people from all over, I imagine their developing language would be a mishmash of other languages.


End file.
